Humor: Real Programmers don't eat Quiche

One of my favorite classics.

Last Updated: • Humor •

Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche (They Can't Even Spell Quiche)

Real Programmers....

  • Don't eat quiche. They don't even know how to spell quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
  • Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.
  • Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
  • Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
  • Don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
  • Don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
  • Don't use LOGO. In fact, no programmer uses LOGO after reaching puberty.
  • Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
  • Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
  • Don't use Pascal, BLISS, Ada, or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
  • Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.
  • Don't play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK though, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
  • Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
  • Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personal bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
  • Don't drive clapped out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
  • Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven.
  • Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.
  • Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
  • Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

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Picture of Jonathan Danylko

Jonathan Danylko is a freelance web architect and avid programmer who has been programming for over 20 years. He has developed various systems in numerous industries including e-commerce, biotechnology, real estate, health, insurance, and utility companies.

When asked what he likes to do in his spare time, he replies, "Programming."

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